Bell Let's Talk Day: Tasha McKenzie...My Story

StFX Athletics is proud to share the story of X-Women rugby student-athlete Tasha McKenzie. Tasha is a fourth year Arts student from Indian Brook, N.S. who after playing for the X-Women rugby team for three years, took this past season off from varsity competition. She candidly shares her story in her own words below, outlining her struggle with mental illness, and we applaud her courageousness in coming forward on Bell Let's Talk Day 2017.

TASHA McKENZIE...My Story

My story begins about a year ago, on #BellLetsTalk day 2016. I had seen a doctor, and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Though my story begins long before that, this is the day I realized I needed help. After spending time in the hospital and being prescribed lots of different medicine, I was told I could have some more time off of school for medical reasons.

Though at the time I felt alone, I knew I had all my friends, family and teammates for support – however, I only decided to tell few people what was going on because for some reason I thought that something was wrong with me in a way. I felt broken, and I felt like I would annoy them.

During my time in the hospital I was given a journal that I wrote in daily for about a month, then weekly for the next few months. I wrote honest thoughts in my journal - often negative, sometimes positive. However, looking back now that I am healthier, it terrifies me. 

Oddly enough, only minutes after I had been checked into the hospital, I was told another girl was checking in as well, and it just so happens she remains one of my best friends. Once we realized that we were feeling the same way, it somehow comforted us and brought us closer. Thankfully, they help me though my battles with mental illness and I know they always will, as they know I will always be here for them.  

So I took a couple of weeks off school at home with my family. When I did decide to come back to school I was afraid for people to find out that something was wrong with me, and I noticed that I hid myself. I often found myself faking a smile, or faking a laugh because I didn't want anyone to notice that inside, I was having anxiety. Inside, I wanted to scream and yell and cry. I struggled though the remainder of school year, hardly slipping by with the bare minimum, and quit my varsity team. At the time, I wanted to be alone, I hated everything, and I did not think I deserved to exist in this world.

After a few weeks went by since returning back to school, I received a very worried phone call from the sister of my lifelong best friend late one night explaining a huge fight that was happening between my best friend and her boyfriend. The next morning, I wake up to the news that my best friend's boyfriend had taken his life.

For me, this made me realize that I would never be able to put another human being through this pain that I felt - the pain that I saw in his sister and my best friend, in his family, our community, in everyone! His suicide had a negative effect on everyone. I could never be able to put family and friends through the pain of such a tragedy. It was a tough time all around.

Once I finally finished the semester I went home and started to seek more help. I began seeing a psychologist weekly, a social worker bi-weekly, and started playing at the club level sports again. I noticed that I was less sad, less alone and less negative. I started to see a future again, and I started planning my future again. I was slowly becoming healthy.

After the summer I attempted to return to school and varsity sports again. Except, I faced a complication that caused me lots of anxiety, I started to feel sad again, and I decided to quit the varsity team yet another time. Quickly, I slipped back into depression, causing negative thoughts and spending my time alone, often skipping class. After talking with a doctor, I decided that taking the remainder of the semester off on medical leave was my best option.

Once I was home, my doctor had decided on a medicine better suited for me. I noticed the medicine helped me to open my eyes. Once I saw the outside perspective I realized that the only person who you can count on for your happiness is you, it doesn't depend on anyone else - not the doctors, not the psychologist or social workers, but it's all about what you decide, and not what anyone else tells you.

I realized that there was never anything wrong with me, I was never broken, and I never could annoy anyone who truly cares about me with my problems. I started to open up to friends and teammates and started to block out the negativity in my life. I realized that I want to be at school working to do something with my life, and I realized I want to live a long, amazing life. I realized that I deserved to live in the world. I want to make a change. I want to help people to realize that they are worthy.

My story begins about a year ago, when I sat down and planned to take my own life. However, I had subconsciously driven myself to the hospital, where I had seen a doctor...

My story did not end :)